TAP Journey - Freshman 15

Remember how I said eating and health is totally emotional? Yeah it is, so don't judge me based off this post and what mattered to me as an 18 year old, please?? K, thanks.


A week after I graduated high school in AZ, my parents moved me up to Utah to live with friends and find a new scene, mainly to get me away from a boy.  I was struggling majorly with my self-esteem. I had a hard time letting go of my previous relationship, I think particularly because I'd wish and hope I could have better than him, but didn't get asked out on a date...like, ever...so I believed more and more that he was the best I could do, and even he didn't want me anymore. My gorgeous roommates, friends, and their dogs were all getting asked out, so clearly I was hideous and didn't have anything to offer. These thoughts consumed me. The dreaded Freshman 15 pounded up all too quick on me. Like within the first semester...Hello! I still went to the gym everyday, ate perfect up until lunch,  always 'on a diet', even paid for a trainer hoping that would keep me accountable. But the late night outings, 5 hours of sleep, 2 am pancakes, nachos, and oreo bon bons were not helping my cause. The food always won. I still remember before I would take the first step to 'cheating' and while continuing to eat, always hearing this in my head, "no one wants you, you have no one to look good for, you're worthless anyway." Oh so clearly can I remember those hauntings. This is seriously pathetic, but exactly the way it was.

Now I can hardly find any pictures from Freshman year, but here are just a few. I remember always wearing hoodies and jackets to try and cover up my tummy.

Just before New Year's, Nick Hansen, my brother's best friend and my DREAM guy, asked me out on a date. How the heck did that happen? Yeah, I didn't believe it either. Now this is the extremely short version, but basically he picked me up, had a blast, and ended the night by him telling me I could go back to Africa with him when he was leaving the coming May. Seriously, my dreams were coming true; being out with Nick and FINALLY after dreaming about doing humanitarian work in Africa my entire life, it was going to happen! So we hung out a lot for about 2 weeks, kissed during that time, and then after a really fun night he told me he didn't want to get into a relationship right now and really liked how we were just friends....he likes to leave this part of the story out of it, but it adds to what I'm trying to share. In short, he was dating another girl I knew the following week. So all the thoughts I had about myself were confirmed. High school boy WAS the best I could do, of course Nick Hansen didn't want me, what was I thinking even getting my hopes up?! We stayed "just friends" for a couple months while we bought our tickets to Africa, went to the gym together, and still saw each other thru different things, but it was nothing. The vicious cycle continued. Food kept winning.