TAP Journey - Connection

Last summer, just a few weeks before finding out I was pregnant, I had my 'aw-haw' moment. A moment that I didn't realize was so pivotal until a few short months ago when I finally connected everything together and let go. 


I think the real connection really started after giving birth to beautiful Norah. I was not expecting the delivery to go the way it did, but the days following I marveled at the human body, my body, for doing what it just did. From the beginning of the actual creation of this little human, her growing inside me, and delivering a perfect, healthy baby was mind-blowing. I have never been so proud of myself and I still get teary eyed saying those words in my head, "I'm, proud of myself." That really was the first moment in my life that I remember being truly proud of something I had done.  I was in awe of my own power. A power that all of us women possess, with children or not. It is part of our divine creation as women. It was then, even after years of being taught I was special and worthy, that I realized I was truly a daughter of God. A realization I hope everyone experiences A LOT sooner than I did.

The details of the critical moments of my childhood are a bit too personal to share in this setting, but I think the principle is the same for all of us. We all have things happen to us, most likely during our adolescence, that subconsciously affect us until we recognize it and take the steps necessary to move on and let go.  I learned that these happenings have major effects that cause us to react a certain way in particular situations. Without some personal retrospection and reflection, we can go on in life not understanding ourselves, questioning and doubting our self-worth and our decisions. After years of keeping the past hidden in the back of my mind and secret, it came back to the forefront and it was as though all the puzzle pieces came together in just a matter of seconds and I understood that it was not just my crazy self putting all those worthless, ugly, fat, no-good-for-nobody thoughts in my head.

I was finally able to make my own connection of the past and present, accept how it had affected me over the years, forgive others AND myself, and let go. There is nothing good that comes from holding on to anything from the past that you cannot change. I'll be honest, the hardest part is making that connection, but I promise once you do, and take the necessary actions to let yourself be free of it, you will finally be free to move forward and make you your best possible self. This is obviously a process, it's not like 1 day will make whatever happened change nor will the years of self-doubt and lack of self-worth go away the next day. However, with this recognizing and identifying things will get SO much better SO much quicker. It has stunned me how people I have known a long time give me such uplifting and kind comments more now than ever it seems, or maybe I'm just in a place now that I can actually recognize them as compliments and accept them. Who knows? Either way, I am SO much happier.





What has this got to do with fitness and diet?  EVERYTHING.  Once my relationship with myself got better, my relationship with food did a 180 degree turn and is better now than I can ever remember.  Finding out what past experiences cause you to turn to or away from food, drugs, relationships, whatever it may be makes it a whole lot easier to face those temptations when they come along and you'll be strong enough to not give in.

Ps-my SIL is in labor right now!! Can't wait to meet little Ellie!!

5 1/2 months post baby...

Hope you all had a fabulous weekend!

It's an amazing thing to start to see your hard work pay off. For most of us, we are our hardest critics, the same couldn't be more true for me! Nick kept telling me how I was looking different, but every tie I looked at myself, i still saw the flabby tummy skin, stretch marks, and what wasn't how I wished it would be. The day of these pics was the day I finally gave myself some credit and saw a difference. Then, looking back at my 10 week photos, I was really blown away and was proud of myself. I don't know if there's a better feeling in the world than working toward a goal, making the sacrifices to get there, and then making yourself proud. My waist up has always been my 'problem' area so adding the whole pregnancy thing to it, I was pretty surprised that I actually could see definition. This was also the day I weighed myself and was pleasantly surprised by actually being under my pre-pregnany weight by almost 7 lbs! Cheers to goals and taking steps to reach them!

The frist time I looked in the mirror and really noticed a difference

TAP Journey - He's the One

Picking up from where we left off, just a few weeks before leaving for Africa, we started dating again, even hinted at marriage. Africa was INCREDIBLE! All I had dreamt of, and more! All the things I got to see and experience while I was over there was everything I had hoped, and Nick and I had definitely fallen. So romantic, right? Our families wouldn't have been shocked if we would've come back engaged, but we didn't. We got home and 4 days later Nick left to Ohio to sell the rest of the summer. Did the whole long distance thing, I went out and visited him, he came home, and a month later we were engaged. 

We planned a 3 month engagement, just enough time for me to be bangin' on my wedding day! I met some new people who were trainers and they were amazing! I worked out with them 5 mornings a week, I was always sore, didn't miss a workout, and got a lot stronger, but no weight came off. Not because of anything they were or weren't doing, but because I still demanded perfection. When it came to eating, I sabotaged myself. Same cycle, I would eat great half the day, take one bite of something 'not perfect', so then I had the go ahead to eat 'imperfect' the rest of the day because I WAS going to be PERFECT tomorrow. I would literally raid the fridge and pantry before I went to bed and eat whatever because it was going to be my LAST time ever eating it.

Needless to say, the wedding day came and my worst fear came true. I wasn't what I had pictured myself to be. I hated taking pictures and video because I didn't want to see myself. I have never been as upset with myself as when I was looking through my bridal pictures with my photographer a week before the wedding picking out which ones to edit and blow up. Are you kidding?!? I wanted all of them to be thrown away, let alone blow any up so I'd look even bigger!

are you joking me right now? It's been so long since I've looked at these I can't even believe it!

I felt even worse taking pics on the honeymoon because now I had to be in a swim suit, so I resorted to big expression faces so people would hopefully look at that ridiculousness instead of my body. 

ps-putting your hands on your hips totally makes you look thinner...riiiiiiiigghht.

 I know my outfit is to die for...oh my gosh, what was I thinking? Haha glad I can laugh about it now. Anyways, we're married and that solves all my self-doubt and worth issues, right? WRONG! I still felt unworthy of Nick. Not just in the normal, 'how did I get so lucky' or 'what did I ever do to deserve him' ways, like I seriously thought it was some kind of joke everyone was playing on me and there was NO WAY he really wanted to be married to me, like what did I even have to offer? I was extremely insecure in our relationship and NONE of that came from anything Nick did. He was always soooo sweet and kind and complimentary and uplifting and perfect. I put all of those feelings upon myself. I remember our first argument was about 4 months after being married because I was telling him how he didn't want me...makes a lot of sense, I know. Things slowly got better, I shared my health and fitness goals with him, we worked out every day together, and were working together towards those goals but I never looked any different. Now, I would always let him see me eat healthy stuff that was 'allowed', but would sneak everything else and wouldn't let him see me eat anything bad. Anytime we weren't together, I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. He was getting closer to his goals, but I wasn't. More arguments over me telling him he didn't want me continued to come up every now and then, and I couldn't shake the dishonesty of my eating habits.

TAP Journey - Freshman 15

Remember how I said eating and health is totally emotional? Yeah it is, so don't judge me based off this post and what mattered to me as an 18 year old, please?? K, thanks.


A week after I graduated high school in AZ, my parents moved me up to Utah to live with friends and find a new scene, mainly to get me away from a boy.  I was struggling majorly with my self-esteem. I had a hard time letting go of my previous relationship, I think particularly because I'd wish and hope I could have better than him, but didn't get asked out on a date...like, ever...so I believed more and more that he was the best I could do, and even he didn't want me anymore. My gorgeous roommates, friends, and their dogs were all getting asked out, so clearly I was hideous and didn't have anything to offer. These thoughts consumed me. The dreaded Freshman 15 pounded up all too quick on me. Like within the first semester...Hello! I still went to the gym everyday, ate perfect up until lunch,  always 'on a diet', even paid for a trainer hoping that would keep me accountable. But the late night outings, 5 hours of sleep, 2 am pancakes, nachos, and oreo bon bons were not helping my cause. The food always won. I still remember before I would take the first step to 'cheating' and while continuing to eat, always hearing this in my head, "no one wants you, you have no one to look good for, you're worthless anyway." Oh so clearly can I remember those hauntings. This is seriously pathetic, but exactly the way it was.

Now I can hardly find any pictures from Freshman year, but here are just a few. I remember always wearing hoodies and jackets to try and cover up my tummy.

Just before New Year's, Nick Hansen, my brother's best friend and my DREAM guy, asked me out on a date. How the heck did that happen? Yeah, I didn't believe it either. Now this is the extremely short version, but basically he picked me up, had a blast, and ended the night by him telling me I could go back to Africa with him when he was leaving the coming May. Seriously, my dreams were coming true; being out with Nick and FINALLY after dreaming about doing humanitarian work in Africa my entire life, it was going to happen! So we hung out a lot for about 2 weeks, kissed during that time, and then after a really fun night he told me he didn't want to get into a relationship right now and really liked how we were just friends....he likes to leave this part of the story out of it, but it adds to what I'm trying to share. In short, he was dating another girl I knew the following week. So all the thoughts I had about myself were confirmed. High school boy WAS the best I could do, of course Nick Hansen didn't want me, what was I thinking even getting my hopes up?! We stayed "just friends" for a couple months while we bought our tickets to Africa, went to the gym together, and still saw each other thru different things, but it was nothing. The vicious cycle continued. Food kept winning.

TAP Journey-The High School Years

This TAP Journey series is just going to go reflect back on where I've been so you can better understand how I got 'here' and know the background of what I've done in the past. How I FINALLY got a balanced emotional state, which in my book is THE ONLY way to have lasting, healthy success. Brace yourselves for the drama of High School...

Well, it all started my Sophomore year when I became a woman, meaning...ya know;) (PMS) I still hate talking about that stuff..yuck! But anyways, when I started 10th grade I was fitting into kids clothes and 00's, more like training bras and supportive tanks. I was proud of my boyish figure and had no desire to step into womanhood. I always hated talk about PMS and bras for some reason, and still to this day feel uncomfortable when a Victoria's Secret chick sees me looking at bras and asking to measure me...I don't know what it is...now for the little more TMI part that it a bit crucial. I had AWFUL periods for months, like every two weeks and major clotting and nastiness. I missed so much school because I was had to rush to the bathroom every 5 minutes, so I just wouldn't go to school. Cramps and pains like crazy which I remember my mom telling me, "this is going to prepare you so much for childbirth, because this is what contractions feel like." Perfect, Mom. I am glad for those experiences now, because of course, she was right, those early phases of contractions did feel so similar to that...kind of. I'm sure feeling that aided me in the process of giving birth naturally...kind of. More on that later. So to help control all this fun woman stuff, I became even more of a woman by getting put on 'the pill' to help regulate. And it did, but at the cost of jumping up to a size 4 and D's in a matter of about 3 months. Talk about a major body change at a time in life where we only focused on the important things in life...NOT! Nonetheless it was very hard for me to accept this new rounded body that I was never excited about getting or expecting it to change THAT fast! In those days where all that seemed to matter was status, friends, boys, and Friday night sporting events, now was not a good time for a drastic change like that. Then, that summer, we moved to Mesa, Arizona for my dad's new job.

Junior Year. New HUGE School. So many kids, you would never know that I was new because I saw a person every day that I had never seen before. Already intimidated, plus this new body I was not proud of, made me even more nervous and unconfident. I made the basketball team and made some good friends doing that. I was so self conscious about my body. Didn't go to any school dances...

Senior year. I decided not to continue playing basketball. With only 3 classes every day, I was done by 11am with school, then I'd go work at my dad's restaurant during the lunch rush, and got a job at a gym working the front desk. I quickly worked my way to a Sales Rep, so basically after 2pm, I was at the gym the rest of the day whether I was working or exercising. I made good relationships with all who worked there and the members. My co-workers saw how into fitness I was, eager to learn more and reach my goals, one of the trainers offered to train me for free to help me get there. I lost 18 lbs in about 6 weeks. Mind you, I was not large at all, I was insanely disciplined and went a little too extreme with the whole thing. Eating maybe 1,000 calories and intense exercise for about 2 hours every day. Never ever taking a bite of ANYTHING not on my "eating plan" and cutting even more calories than what was recommended for me. I even remember getting in arguments with my friends and family for not eating with them. I was going on a cruise the beginning of November and wanted to feel great. And when the cruise came, I was at the weight I said I wanted to be, but I was still embarrassed of my body. Why would that be??? After the cruise, a crazy battle with myself started. I tried to be just as perfect on the cruise, but for those of you who have been on one, know that's impossible. For some reason, once I got back, I wasn't perfect anymore. I would eat perfect probably up until about 3, or maybe even the whole day. But then, I would take a bite of something "not allowed" and go crazy the rest of the day thinking.. "I'll just eat all of this now since it'll be my last time having it, then I'll start being perfect again tomorrow."That thought process happened over, and over, and over again....I could never accept the fact of not being absolutely perfect, and would beat myself up. I would still exercise hard everyday, but eating was always my downfall. It was because I knew I could be disciplined and I had done it in the past, that I always thought something would click again and I would be that hard core without making one mistake, so I just kept expecting the click to happen the next day. But then every tomorrow would come and the click wouldn't...