This TAP Journey series is just going to go reflect back on where I've been so you can better understand how I got 'here' and know the background of what I've done in the past. How I FINALLY got a balanced emotional state, which in my book is THE ONLY way to have lasting, healthy success. Brace yourselves for the drama of High School...
Well, it all started my Sophomore year when I became a woman, meaning...ya know;) (PMS) I still hate talking about that stuff..yuck! But anyways, when I started 10th grade I was fitting into kids clothes and 00's, more like training bras and supportive tanks. I was proud of my boyish figure and had no desire to step into womanhood. I always hated talk about PMS and bras for some reason, and still to this day feel uncomfortable when a Victoria's Secret chick sees me looking at bras and asking to measure me...I don't know what it is...now for the little more TMI part that it a bit crucial. I had AWFUL periods for months, like every two weeks and major clotting and nastiness. I missed so much school because I was had to rush to the bathroom every 5 minutes, so I just wouldn't go to school. Cramps and pains like crazy which I remember my mom telling me, "this is going to prepare you so much for childbirth, because this is what contractions feel like." Perfect, Mom. I am glad for those experiences now, because of course, she was right, those early phases of contractions did feel so similar to that...kind of. I'm sure feeling that aided me in the process of giving birth naturally...kind of. More on that later. So to help control all this fun woman stuff, I became even more of a woman by getting put on 'the pill' to help regulate. And it did, but at the cost of jumping up to a size 4 and D's in a matter of about 3 months. Talk about a major body change at a time in life where we only focused on the important things in life...NOT! Nonetheless it was very hard for me to accept this new rounded body that I was never excited about getting or expecting it to change THAT fast! In those days where all that seemed to matter was status, friends, boys, and Friday night sporting events, now was not a good time for a drastic change like that. Then, that summer, we moved to Mesa, Arizona for my dad's new job.
Junior Year. New HUGE School. So many kids, you would never know that I was new because I saw a person every day that I had never seen before. Already intimidated, plus this new body I was not proud of, made me even more nervous and unconfident. I made the basketball team and made some good friends doing that. I was so self conscious about my body. Didn't go to any school dances...
Senior year. I decided not to continue playing basketball. With only 3 classes every day, I was done by 11am with school, then I'd go work at my dad's restaurant during the lunch rush, and got a job at a gym working the front desk. I quickly worked my way to a Sales Rep, so basically after 2pm, I was at the gym the rest of the day whether I was working or exercising. I made good relationships with all who worked there and the members. My co-workers saw how into fitness I was, eager to learn more and reach my goals, one of the trainers offered to train me for free to help me get there. I lost 18 lbs in about 6 weeks. Mind you, I was not large at all, I was insanely disciplined and went a little too extreme with the whole thing. Eating maybe 1,000 calories and intense exercise for about 2 hours every day. Never ever taking a bite of ANYTHING not on my "eating plan" and cutting even more calories than what was recommended for me. I even remember getting in arguments with my friends and family for not eating with them. I was going on a cruise the beginning of November and wanted to feel great. And when the cruise came, I was at the weight I said I wanted to be, but I was still embarrassed of my body. Why would that be??? After the cruise, a crazy battle with myself started. I tried to be just as perfect on the cruise, but for those of you who have been on one, know that's impossible. For some reason, once I got back, I wasn't perfect anymore. I would eat perfect probably up until about 3, or maybe even the whole day. But then, I would take a bite of something "not allowed" and go crazy the rest of the day thinking.. "I'll just eat all of this now since it'll be my last time having it, then I'll start being perfect again tomorrow."That thought process happened over, and over, and over again....I could never accept the fact of not being absolutely perfect, and would beat myself up. I would still exercise hard everyday, but eating was always my downfall. It was because I knew I could be disciplined and I had done it in the past, that I always thought something would click again and I would be that hard core without making one mistake, so I just kept expecting the click to happen the next day. But then every tomorrow would come and the click wouldn't...
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