Fear

Last night we were watching Biggest Loser, nick stayed conscious for about 5 mins of it, but I wasn't tired so I kept watching. I'm so glad I did. I know that the Jillian freak outs and her emotional poundings aren't the funnest things to watch, but for some reason Jillian and Bob's interventions really hit home for me. I am a total self-sabotager! Even though I have made ginormous leaps over what holds me back, there is still something there that is getting in my way. Fear. I am afraid of being what I've always dreamed of for some reason. I have been the closest to my long-time goal of 135 and 15% body fat just a little over a month ago (I was at 138 and 17%) I was RIGHT THERE, then I all of a sudden started not caring what I ate and just kinda doing whatever I felt like. When I was given my test results back I really was shocked and had no idea I was that close to my goal. I haven't weighed or measured myself since then, but I don't need to because I know how I feel. I know I'm not closer to my goal that was SO attainable and I probably would be there now if I would have just kept going and dedicated myself to it. I am trying to break through this personal battle with myself, because the first step is recognizing that something needs tweaking. I'm determined to find out how to change my patterns. This blog post I came across this morning and it couldn't have been more perfect for me today. Especially this quote she ends with, I've heard and read it before, but it stuck out even more now that I am understanding and trying to figure it out for myself.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
 God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
 we unconsciously give other people 
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

I hope this helps you in some way today. The only thing I know for sure to help combat these feelings is to push through just at the moment you feel like you can't. Little empowerments to yourself that you can break barriers is what will continually strengthen your belief in yourself.